Me Learning about light

As you may know, photography is one of my hobbies. I recently bought a wireless trigger for my old flash. When I bought my new camera I realized that my old flash was incompatible with it. I purchased this little wireless unit and it's opened a whole new world in photography for me.

I've been learning through Strobist, a blog based website all about off camera flash.

So here's is my foray into off camera lighting in photography, you can see all my posted pictures by clicking this link, it's the same link as you'll find in the header of this page.

edit: added embedded slideshow


Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

soundtrack to my life...

Random thought....

If there was a soundtrack to my life, most of it would be U2 and Dave Matthews Band songs.

(currently listening to Hawkmoon 269)

misunderstood... but...

Today I am feeling a little misunderstood. I'm certain it will all be sorted out in time. It stinks being misunderstood. Despite that though, today is a good day. I have at the very least one person who gets me. She is an encouragement to the very fabric of my being. She is one that is my perpetual cheerleader. I love you Tara. Thanks for being you.


(note on the photo - while this photo was taken long ago - before kids even - it is a favorite of mine)

the gauntlet...

Today, I realize (yet again) why I have dragged my feet going through ordination. (For those of you unaware - I am about 5 years late getting it done) I got some more of my marks back; marks are a scary thing for me. When I was in school I never received great marks, in high school I barely got through. I did better in college but generally I was on the low side of "average".

The scary thing about for me is that I feel like I could "measured, but be found wanting" (that's the phrase that runs through my head - me standing in the middle of a round room facing my elders seated on cushy chairs while I fidget with my fingers and bite my lip, and stand on jello legs. In my minds eye I think its a lot like the Jedi Council room thing in the Star Wars room)

Now, in my rational mind I know that's a complete paranoid and delusional idea (I mean it's not like our district has the money to build a solarium atop a tower for the ordaining council to meet and in and decide the fates of prospective ordinands. And likely as not the guys on our ordaining council couldn't pull off Jedi robes). I know the process is about affirming and helping pastors develop and become better at their task. Fear is something though is it not? Fear that you are not "good enough". Fear that others will judge you and dismiss you. Fear that your acceptance is based upon performance. Now I realize that I have a job to do and that if I disregard those responsibilities then yes, likely I will be asked to find a new career. The likelihood of that happening is relatively small.
If there is anything this process is teaching me is that I need to buck up and get better at what I do, to swallow my pride and seek the resources I need to be what God has called me to be. If I sit behind my desk and "make do" with I have I will never get to where I need to be.
I often think of myself as the "new guy", the "rookie"; and to a point I suppose I am, but I have been doing this ministry for seven (7!) years (eight if you count the year I was on staff at a bible college doing support work). This is my calling. This is my career. This is my life. Pride has no place in it. I need to learn. I need to open myself to constructive criticism.
Oh well, there's my rant/self-inspirational talk for the day.

Hello?

Anyone out there still here? I've been absent as I haven't had anything decent to say and for the last three weeks I've been on holidays. We went back to Ontario, a week in Ottawa, a week in Southern Ontario, another week in Ottawa. Good times. We hit museums, saw fireworks, played lots, drove around lots (Thanks Mom for letting us use your car!!) and generally did stuff that families do.
I took almost three thousand pictures too. Ya, really. Well, 2767 if memory serves. I have to sort through them. Most are "meh", some are great.

My yard is a jungle. Hacked a lot of that away tonight. More to do, but that will wait until next week. I'm off to North Battleford tomorrow to conduct a wedding.

Likely there'll be some pictures of flax fields or canola or something, driving on the prairies this time of year is beautiful (we've done some this week let me tell you).

Oh, and gas in Ottawa (as of Tuesday morning) was 98.5 cents a litre - to Saskatoon's 119.9 cents a litre. So all of you folks in Ontario don't complain about fuel. Oh well, we don't sit in traffic though. I digress, and my bed is calling me.

Hope you missed me. I'll be back....

Today:

Today:

• is the last night of youth group for the season- this is a little sad
• is the day after my Mom's birthday
  
• is cloudy
• I took some pictures while on a walk
• I'm lacking inspiration
• I prayed
• I listened to this
• I'm tired.

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

It's been some time since I posted on this blog (May 23rd). It's not for a lack of thinking about it. In fact I have thought often I wish I had something intelligent to say... well, today, I'm going to try and blog something and it just might not be that intelligent.

Since we all last tuned in: My boys had a MASSIVE mud wallowing party; I had a birthday, arranged our 3 week holiday to Ontario, been to Winnipeg for District Conference, planned a wedding, visited a family- before-during-and after a funeral, my daughter turned 6 months old, and some other stuff that my brain has shut out.
I've been more tired than I have been in some time. I have however been very thankful for my new camera, an Nikon D40, and have pushed the button to take a picture literally over three thousand times (not all of them are that great - but some of them are spiffy!)

For those of you who know about my Flickr page (you will if you've clicked on any of the above links-except 1), I haven't uploaded too many as many of them are of people, and I'm not too keen on posting too many pictures without permission. Although I did just make 138 pictures I took available to our District office of some I took from our District Conference in Winnipeg, some are okay, some are kinda neat and some are just so-so.

All that to say, I'm enjoying my new camera immensely. I feel very much at peace when I'm behind the camera. I am continually learning and trying new things. I am learning that whatever it is you do to recharge/de-stress/relax/unwind/renew-your-passion; you have to do it.

That's a little of what's going on with me, what's with you?

D40!

So,
We left the house Sunday afternoon and went to Saskatoon. We spent the night at Colony House Bed & Breakfast, a nice little B&B. Tara had a doctor's appointment today. We had intended on this being a bit of a retreat for Tara and I. We didn't really need to spend the night in the city, we could've made the drive in the morning; but it was good. It was nice to have only one kid to worry about. The boys are a lot of fun, but I guess I'm just not able to keep tabs on three kids and be able to enjoy conversation with my wife at the same time. Hopefully that skill will come in time.
We had decided to do some shopping. First stop, London Drugs; where I bought a Nikon D40, a two gigabyte SD memory card and a UV filter. (and for those of you familiar with the Nikon gold boxes, don't worry, they're inside, one for the body one for the lens...) The picture of Olivia in the car seat is the first picture taken with the camera.
Then we got to cruise the new Wal-Mart in S'toon, found some stuff for the house. We also hit Toy R Us for some toys for the boys and Old Navy for some clothes for Olivia. It appears that ALL of the stores in the city of Saskatoon are dangerously short of clothing for little girls in the six-nine month age and size range. It also appears that children who like space ships are out of luck as the only space ship toy we could find at several stores was a Star Wars "transformer". For the Star Wars savy among you , it is a Emperor Palpatine shuttle that transforms into a robot version of Palpatine. It's really more transformer than spaceship. I was disappointed. Why can't they just make a spaceship toy anymore?!?
After a stop a DQ we jumped on the highway and came home.
It's so much nicer to make the drive from Saskatoon to Tisdale without snow and in daylight. We got home and the boys were super excited to see us, which is always fun. The picture of Aiden is literally his first moment seeing me, now tell me does it get any better than that?!

I also got to experimenting with my lenses that was from my old Nikon FE (a virtually completely manual 35mm SLR camera) and found, that YES they are compatible.

At some point I will be creating and posting more pictures on the Flickr site. I'm pretty pumped at getting a new camera.

This picture of Owen was the best pose from trying out the manual lenses.

Oh, and Tara's doctor appointment could've been done over the phone...

Ordination, and other things

So I've been slow in posting much on here recently. I am up to my eyeballs in ordination studies. I have one more paper more or less done (need to take the stuff from my proof readers and incorporate them) and I've got a good start on my last major paper.
This is excruciating for me, and I'm not sure why. I enjoy studying most of the time. I like learning, but this is just a big deal for my pea sized brain to cope with.

I am enjoying, but not enjoying spring. I learned last year that I am essentially allergic to EVERYTHING outside in the summer, pollen, trees, grass and whatever else. My eyes and nose are going all crazy again and while I'll get used to it soon, right now it's not fun.

But, Tara and I are going into Saskatoon for an overnight stay for one of her appointments for her thyroid. We're going to stay at a B&B we've gone to a few times. Mostly we're going to have some time for just us. So for our friends in Saskatoon who we likely won't see, sorry, we're just too cheap for a getaway to Hawaii, so S'toon will have to do and we'll pretend like it's new and exciting. Oh, and I may have some hospital visitation to do while we're there too.

LIfe today...

Sorry, missed posting that the girls got back safe and sound. We drove into Saskatoon yesterday for some Doctors appointments for Tara, having to do with her thyroid. The one test required her to stop breast feeding for a 24 hour period with Olivia; that's now over too. Not recommended.

The day yesterday was really good otherwise. I mean it was ridiculously long, as we left at 8:00 AM and returned at 10:00PM. The boys were SO good. I think the warmer weather and the ability to "rip and tear" (as my mom used to say) outside helps reduce their toddler angst. Then they seem to listen and work together with us better.

It's been a good few days with the boys.

Sigh

My girls left for the Pastor Wive's retreat and will be back Sunday afternoon. Not gone too long, but long enough. I hope and pray that God does some neat stuff at that retreat.

I miss 'em already.

Some days...

Okay, so yesterday was Easter Sunday. All in all it was a good day. That being said; I was not quite at the top of my game. First there was the mistake that I didn't catch in the bulletin and then during the verbal announcements in our service I was interrupted twice by people wanting to add something or clarify it. That threw me off a little. The prayer time went relatively well, except that fewer people than normal shared. I finished the prayer time and then began preaching. My wife then grabbed my attention with her eyes only the way a wife can. I had forgotten all about a baby dedication we were to have done at the front end of the service. Worse yet, I had forgotten what I had prepared to say myself and the "charge" I had planned to give the couple. As I remembered and invited the couple up to the front I was totally flustered. I fumbled my way through the dedication (thankfully the couple and their family were very gracious to me). As I made my way back up on the platform, I started preaching again, not realizing I had forgotten the mic. Then, not as though anyone but me would've noticed, I forgot a portion of my sermon.


I had several people say they appreciated my "humaness". I also had someone compliment me on the Sunday of "recoveries". We always pray that God would work despite of us, this past Sunday I can honestly say I was really banking on it as I shook people's hands on their way out.

Palm Sunday

So I have some thoughts I will share from my preparations for speaking this weekend and next (Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday).

I have been trying to sort out some of the chronology of events from the different gospel accounts of just what happened that last week. I won't give you everything, you can figure that stuff out for yourself if you so choose, but some highlights: (these are fragments of ideas... to give you a flavor of my brain these days.)

If you look at the scene of the woman washing Jesus' feet with her hair and the expensive perfume in John 11:1-11 and then read Matthew 26:14-16; it would appear that Judas may have been feeling rebuked and "squashed" by Jesus in that sequence. Could that have been the flash point that moved him from disciple to betrayer?

The challenges the religious leaders had for Jesus and his responses (especially the parable of the wicked servants) seem to point to pride being a central issue in humanity's acceptance of God's help.

I love how in Luke 22:32 how Jesus says to Peter "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
- in the afterglow of the resurrection and ascension could there be any stronger calling on Simon Peter's mind?

I feel today that we sit on the brink. Between the triumphant entry and the phrase Jesus shares in Luke 22:53b: "But this is your hour- when darkness reigns."

That's it for now.

Popliteal Cyst

So a month or two ago I did something to my knee and this week I finally went to the Doctor to check it out. Turns out I have a popliteal cyst. Not a cyst like cancer or anything, more like water (aka Synovial fluid) on/behind/throughout my knee. Who knew? It shouldn't be a big deal, it depends on what caused it in the first place. Doctor said it was likely caused by a chunk of cartilage or something tearing. She said it was the largest she's seen and was a little surprised I was still able to function fairly well.

My wife would tell you I've been complaining about it, but I say I was sharing my pain in attempts to bring her into my world.

I see a "travelling" orthopedic guy on May 9th and in the meantime I'm on some anti-inflammatories to see if the fluid will go away by itself. Worst case scenario is orthopedic doctor will want to "scope" it and see exactly what is wrong inside and try to fix it. Oh well, nothing to do but wait and see what happens. Although the idea of anyone poking me with anything causes some mild anxiety.

Blogging & My "homework"

So I've been reading some blogs today. Skimming over some stuff from people I went to Bible School with. Blogging is pretty cool. It's a good way to keep up on people that you don't get to keep in touch with. Although I'm pretty sure that's kinda creepy in a way too... but I digress.
So tomorrow I get to try my first massage. I am really not sure what to expect. Should be interesting at the very least. Going is my "homework" from our last counseling session. Rough eh?

Today is Friday. Friday’s are youth group night. I like youth group. No, I’m not a youth. I do not wish to be a youth again. That being said I like being with youth. A parent who came early to pick up her son, sat as we did a “sports” night at the community gymnasium and shaking her head, said to me: “and you do this every Friday night?” I nodded and said: “I love it.” And it’s true I do. She commented that I must have a lot of patience. I suppose I don’t know how much patience other people have, so I don’t know.

Youth are neat. I see myself reflected back to me. Some of them remind of me when I was in high school. Others remind me of friends I have or had. Others are totally new to me. I see so much potential.

I mentioned in a previous post about homework. Writing out the things that stress me out and the things I do to cope with said stress. It was an interesting exercise. I tried to do it as honestly as I could and yet I still feel like I’m not even aware of all the things that stress me out. I won’t share all of those things with you, but I was surprised a little to see how much of my stress is essentially my own doing. I feel called to be a pastor. Some of you will know what that means intellectually and others will know what that means entirely. Some may have no clue what I’m talking about. I feel, strongly, that God wanted me to be a pastor, to this community, to this church, at this time. I know for those outside the church that would sound a little “over the top”, but, it is what it is.

That being said, I often feel entirely and completely inadequate to the task(s) of ministry. So there’s this kind of cognitive dissonance that happens. I feel overwhelmed and unable to do such and such a task, but I know that’s what I’m supposed to do, I know that’s what I’ve been trained to do, that’s what I’ve been called to do, so here we go, let’s jump in with both feet shall we? (I’m often praying; “God you had better show up or this is going to be bad!”) God has always pulled through for me. Although, I know that sometimes, that God really did work in spite of me. I mean, he always does, sometimes it’s just more evident.

I know that many struggle with whether or not they should do this or that within the church, because they feel that someone else must be better at it then they are. My thoughts are, likely there is someone out there who might be better than I am at this job. I can pretty much guarantee that; but they’re not here. And, if that person where here, that doesn’t mean I don’t have to do anything. A friend of mine used to always say: “Suck it up, buttercup”.

So like many of you, I battle my own mind, my own desires, my own fears and I call upon Christ to come and help me, as it’s clear (to most, but especially me) that I’m incapable of changing anything on my own.

A passage that has been "soaking" in the back of my head. Take from it what you will...

Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

If there was any doubt...

One of the discussions that routinely comes up with our family is how much the kids have grown. Often it is phrased "look how big you are!". Aiden thinks this is great. Olivia doesn't understand words, but she's excited about any and all attention that she gets. Then, there's Owen. Owen is our middle child. Owen does not want to be big. Owen does not want to be the baby. Owen, would like to be little. It causes great stress for him to be described as big. So, if you see him, you can think he's big, but you don't need to tell him. I know he's big, Tara knows he's big, anyone who sees him knows he's big, and if there was ever any doubt....

He's not our baby anymore and he certainly is big. But he's our little Owen. (Okay mushy bit over)

On Homework

I decided to split this post up because they cover very different things.
As Tara (my wife) mentions we are going to some counseling. As someone who often has remarked that counseling would do anyone a lot of good, I had some concerns about going. Mostly on what people would say if I went. That aside - the "homework" we were given for this next session was: list your stress and what you do to cope with it. Sounds simple enough, except when you start. I'm tempted to put down: drink excessively while juggling my children through the air over burning coals. I won't put that down. I guess I'm a little annoyed because it's making me realize how silly some of the things in even my head are (those of you reading this who were on my floor in bible school - stop snickering!). The thing is, I knew/know that many of the things I'm stressed about are silly. I also know that some of the things I do to cope are silly. The big problem is: how to change? I have been describing myself lately as being "as focused as a disco ball", because that's how my attention seems to be going; spinning around the world in a lot of really cool dots that make you kind of zone out, and it doesn't really accomplish much.
I don't want to sound like I'm totally depressed, because I'm not. There are times I'm overwhelmed, but I don't think those are the same things.

But hey what do I know?
Well, I had better start to figure out all the things that stress me out and what I do with them, so I can say I did my homework.
I dare you to try figuring those things out.

On today

Today has been a long day. I should be asleep, but I felt I should make an update here.

Drove into Saskatoon today (about two and half hours), about halfway there we came upon whiteout, horizontal snow blizzard conditions (did you know it's March 14th?), went to a doctor's appointment for Tara, had lunch with a close friend/mentor ministry couple, and then actually caught up with my cousin Chris and chatted with him for about an hour before both of us had to go. Then drove home, all the while still snowing until magically all the snow disappeared about the same place on the highway it started. So, while I drove in snow today, I don't have to shovel anymore off my driveway. Not that I was doing that anyways, I have a big van now, I just "barrel" through."

Something else...

So I've felt like I've needed to make a post in here for a few days. The problem is though, I don't know what to say or how to say it.
This week has been challenging. For the first time in my career I had to officiate two funerals in the span of a week (Friday and Tuesday). The first for someone I knew. The second for someone I only knew about. Both had lived a life that tried to honour God as much as they could.
Both services went really well (as far as funerals go). But, I'm not sure how I feel. I feel tired to be certain, but I also feel like I'm moving underwater. I do not fear the outcome of death. I know that my faith in Christ makes my eternity secure, but I suppose I do fear the process. The process of death is scary. Two issues come to mind, control and change. We cannot control death, and most often change comes whether we like it our not. Someone else dies and we are left with a hole in our lives. A big void where that person used to sit. Our bodies change, we cannot do what we once did. Often times we feel powerless to control those things. Often times we are powerless to control those things.

We do not however, travel through these things alone. In that, I find hope and comfort.

(I may edit this post later....)