Thursday, August 09, 2007

the gauntlet...

Today, I realize (yet again) why I have dragged my feet going through ordination. (For those of you unaware - I am about 5 years late getting it done) I got some more of my marks back; marks are a scary thing for me. When I was in school I never received great marks, in high school I barely got through. I did better in college but generally I was on the low side of "average".

The scary thing about for me is that I feel like I could "measured, but be found wanting" (that's the phrase that runs through my head - me standing in the middle of a round room facing my elders seated on cushy chairs while I fidget with my fingers and bite my lip, and stand on jello legs. In my minds eye I think its a lot like the Jedi Council room thing in the Star Wars room)

Now, in my rational mind I know that's a complete paranoid and delusional idea (I mean it's not like our district has the money to build a solarium atop a tower for the ordaining council to meet and in and decide the fates of prospective ordinands. And likely as not the guys on our ordaining council couldn't pull off Jedi robes). I know the process is about affirming and helping pastors develop and become better at their task. Fear is something though is it not? Fear that you are not "good enough". Fear that others will judge you and dismiss you. Fear that your acceptance is based upon performance. Now I realize that I have a job to do and that if I disregard those responsibilities then yes, likely I will be asked to find a new career. The likelihood of that happening is relatively small.
If there is anything this process is teaching me is that I need to buck up and get better at what I do, to swallow my pride and seek the resources I need to be what God has called me to be. If I sit behind my desk and "make do" with I have I will never get to where I need to be.
I often think of myself as the "new guy", the "rookie"; and to a point I suppose I am, but I have been doing this ministry for seven (7!) years (eight if you count the year I was on staff at a bible college doing support work). This is my calling. This is my career. This is my life. Pride has no place in it. I need to learn. I need to open myself to constructive criticism.
Oh well, there's my rant/self-inspirational talk for the day.


Tara said...

I love you honey. You can do it. I believe in you.

Bryce said...

Remember those guys are only affirming what you know to be true - you are called to do what you do.

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Randall said...

Hey man, it's a tough gig at the best of times. But yeah, seven years in? You're in baby.

I kinda think the same way as you I guess. I'm doing this temporarily, till God calls me to my real life's work. I'm in year 23 now.