Saturday, December 29, 2007

on me

this blog is entitled "the Doug's thoughts and ramblings".  Seeing how I'm the Doug in question, and my thoughts are often all over the place, I thought it suitable.  This post might be comprised only of my thoughts and it will in all likelihood ramble.  Whether you agree or even understand said thoughts is irrelevant. 

You have been warned.

So my brain is stuck.  Where? I'm not sure.  It's stuck somewhere in a lazy place that is rather boring.  Like all the walls are an ick shade of white.  It feels a little like when I was much younger we'd sometimes watch the static on the TV and see if the white dots or the black dots were winning.  Not really interesting, but hard to tear your eyes away from anyways.  That might be where my brain is.  

I haven't taken a picture of anything that I really like in some time.  That's weird for me.  I even got some cool gear for Christmas and even a little boost to the photographic ego recently and still my inspiration for photos is dismal at best.

My brain is in such a place that if I'm of any use to anyone (and I try to be... really) then it is likely a direct intervention of God himself.  Not that I have a problem with that, in fact I'd rather he intervene and do stuff through me that is so obviously not me that no one notices me; would make life less stressful I think...  So here I sit and have a maze of ideas in my head, some helpful, some decidedly not helpful, some things I have to do, some things that I want to do but shouldn't (I'd like to sleep all day tomorrow).  

I have feelings of immense gratitude going on in my head.  I know that God is alive and well.  He has been blessing the stuffing out of us recently, or so it seems.  Yet I still feel all self absorbed.  I know I shouldn't be.  I could write a pretty good sermon at myself I think, it would go like this: "dude, suck it up, and quit being lame!"

So I dump this stuff out of my head, not so much to sort through my ideas, but to see which ones are mine and which ones are God's.  
I'll wrap up this bizarre thread of thoughts by a prayer of my own composition:

I know you're there.  I know you love me.  
Today though, I don't feel it.
I have seen your provision, your touch - recently even,
but today I don't feel it.
I know there are many things I should be doing,
but today I don't feel it,
I know that there are things that I could be doing,
but today I don't feel it.
The things I do feel, I'm not sure I like.
Those feelings are likely unjustifiable, crazy silly indulgences of a person who is too self consumed to think or feel about anything else.  
Lord- come.  Fill me.  Restore me.  Recharge me.  Give me more.  More of you.  I know a great deal, but I want to more than what I read off a page or talk about in a sermon.  I want to feel a passion that consumes, consumes more than an appetite of food, or toys, or gadgets, or hobbies - Show me again my raison d'etre.  THE reason I'm who I am, where I am, with whom I live and breathe and work.  
I have hope O God, that while today I don't feel it...
I have hope that soon - I will.